Dateline: Washington

Having failed to find a real general to assume responsibility for the Global War on Terror, PAF has learned that the Bush-Cheney admininstration will nominate a fictional character to be the new Supreme Commander, Generalissmo, and Czar of the Global War on Terror (military acronym: SCGaCo'GWOT, but SCGaTo'GWOT is also acceptable). General Buck Turgidson, Air Force commander in the 1964 Stanley Kubrick film Dr. Strangelove, could not be reached for comment on his nomination, but excitement is running high in the capital. The nomination was described as "daring," "innovative," and "downright neo-Reaganite" by Washington insiders at the American Enterprise Institute, who praised General Turgidson as a military strategist with a demonstrated ability to redefine catastrophe as victory, an ability sorely needed as the administration tries to get the GWOT out of its IED-strewn rut. Administration officials, who requested anonymity on the grounds that they do not want their names known, have told PAF that Turgidson's strategy of a devastating preemptive attack on a country unrelated to real terrorism was just the kind of thinking the country needs to "reunemasculate" its foreign policy. "It will send an unmistakable signal of American firmness and resolve to Badenov and the terrorists," said one White House advisor. "And, when it comes to plausible deniability for the White House, it's hard to beat assigning ultimate resposibility to a superbly acted fictional character."

In a related story, a videotape of Boris Badenov was broadcast worldwide in which the reputed terrorist mastermind issued the cryptic command, "Keel moose". While officials at the NSA's super-secret interception and decryption facility declined to comment on the meaning of Badenov's message, Homeland Security officially raised the national threat level to burnt umber. Administration spokespersons emphasized that this latest release only underscores the need for Congress to swiftly approve the Turgidson nomination.