Occasionally, PAF is seized by blinding flashes of insight (or maybe it's some kind of cerebral reflux from the 1970s). It's too early, perhaps, to describe this one as a stroke of strategic genius, so for now we may call it "a modest proposal".
Sun Tzu, the ancient Chinese General and ur-strategist famously wrote: "Know thyself, know thine enemy; 100 battles, 100 victories," or some shit like that. The basic idea here being to think through your strengths in relationship to the enemy's vulnerabilities, or some shit like that.
So as I'm putting myself in the shoes (boots? Birkenstocks?) of General Lute, our new war-Tsar, I'm thinking: what Great American Strengths have yet to be deployed in Iraq? For those of you who may be just tuning in, the basic problem is this: applications of military force against civilian populations appear to have antagonized the locals, who failed to perceive in these gestures the magnanimity and greatness of the American people, and so have not yet shown appropriate gratitude by laying down their own arms and declaring us the victors. General Lute would like to involve non-military US officials in winning the friendship of the Iraqis, but these officials are mostly afraid to leave their bunkers and fortified zones because of, you know, the locals. So how to use America's Great Strengths to win over the Iraqis and win the war???
[Jeopardy music]
Movies. Of course, that's it. Everybody loves American movies. We could make movies in which we pretend to achieve victory. Then everyone will see us as victors. Huzzah! Sylvester Stallone's career will enjoy a brief but bloody and glorious renaissance as he stops pretending to kill Vietnamese and begins pretending to kill Iraqis. Unfortunately, however, the traditions of American martial culture prescribe that this collective fantasy organized around the cinematic re-imagining of history should occur after we have actually lost the war in question. So, paradoxically, if we were to use this strategy now to avoid losing, this movie genre would lose its reason for being and cease to exist: poof. Like in one of those weaker Star Trek scripts about time travel. Without defeat, Stallone and most of his triumphal oeuvre would disappear from the face of the earth as if raptured into the arms of Mars. So unfortunately PAF is thinking that movies will have to wait because we can't un-lose until we lose.
So... What other strengths...???
[Jeopardy music]
Excelsior! Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Strength of America yet to be deployed in Iraq is good old-fashioned Salesmanship (and that starts with S, which rhymes with... er, you get the idea). Oh sure, we've tried great massive doses of Haliburton-style venality and corruption in Iraq, but those just haven't produced the results we've been looking for because you can't just throw money at a problem don'tchaknow. So here's the plan: back to basics, with an overwhelming shock-and-awe door-to-door sales campaign of the American Way: trombones and sheet music, Tupperware, vacuum cleaners, encyclopedias, cosmetics, herbal dietary supplements, personal gratification appliances , all marketed by smiling, smarmy, inappropriately friendly and inconveniently persistent American Salespeople. They could swarm over the streets of Falluja, Baquba, and Baghdad in great fleets of hot pink humvees, escorted by Good Humor trucks to entertain the kiddies while mom and dad check out the, um, appliances. Guaranteed the Iraqis will not be expecting this.
So, there you have it. Operation Unwelcome Salespitch. Characteristically American. Element of surprise. Refusing to leave until the sale is made. Overwhelming all resistance. Victory in six months or less. Guaranteed. Or double your money back.
Would we lie to you?
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